Dear Mom,

Today marks the just-a-little-over-half-way point of my very first Sociology class. I’m just so very very excited. That Dr. Kycedo, he knows and awful awful lot. You’d be surprised, Ma, just how brain-smarties two doctorates can get you. You really would. Most everyone else in the class is stupid—that’s what Dr. Kycedo says. They don’t know all the neat stuff he does. They really don’t.

Today might have been the bestest lesson ever. Dr. Kycedo spent the wimpy two hours worth of class time explaining how the world is really run. I don’t want you to be scared Mom. I really don’t. But you’ve got to know this stuff for your own protection. First of all, things aren’t all right in Kansas anymore. Our country, you think it’s run by elected officials? Haha, that’s not what Dr. Kycedo says. He’s seen documented research that shows that the country is run by a top 1-5% of elites that didn’t have to compete to get their wealth. They control the government, the resources, the media, the education system. They control it all Mom. They really do.

And since the Elites are in control of the government of the USA, they naturally control the rest of the world too. I know, it’s really scary. And the only people who can get into office are the silly people that like go along with the secret plan of the Elites, which is to control the world, which they already do, which they want to keep doing…which isn’t good. The Elites don’t even have to pay taxes! They really don’t! They’re on “Wealth-fare,” that’s what Dr. Kycedo calls it. They really are. Most of the taxes is paid by the lower classes, so the Elites can keep all the money and…and…sub-joo-gayte the masses. That’s what Dr. Kycedo says. See, I told you he was smart.

And our government, oh-ho-ho, Mom, that’s the silliest part, according to Dr. Kycedo. He says that capitalism is destroying the globe, one sub-joo-gayted third world country at a time. I know he’s right about that. I really do. Look at all the cement everywhere! It’s so hard on the grass, Mom. We should have an all-natural driveway from now on. We really should.

But don’t worry too much, Mom. Dr. Kycedo says it’s going to be okie-dokie. He says that eventually the masses are going to overthrow the burgoe—I mean the Elites, and then the protel—I mean the masses will be able to share all the wealth and resources that those silly Elites wanted to keep all for themselves and not share with anyone and just use for their own money-grubbing purposes and be mean…. They really will.

But before that can happen, all the masses (who really do hate the Elites) have to start recognizing injustice in our cities and towns and like the villages, too. Affirmative action is helpful; it isn’t racist. It really isn’t. The WASPs (that’s what Dr. Kycedo calls the Elite White Anglo-Saxon Protestants) are constantly scheming ways to keep the masses from the resources. But boy oh boy, that won’t stand for long. It really won’t.

I guess it’s not all just the WASPs fault. The Elite families that have been around since the foundation of America (which wasn’t democratic at all. It really wasn’t. Dr. Kycedo knows that really the founding fathers just wanted the rich to vote.) are pulling all the strings. Those stupid-head Duponts, Rockefellers, Carnegies, Kennedys, and Bushs have been keeping the masses sub-joo-gayted since the beginning. They really have.

Umm, oh yeah! Another thing! Dr. Kycedo knows a whole lot about the Electoral College. They’ve been historically going against the will of the masses! They really have! Have you ever met the guy that like votes for you? How do you know he is doing what voters say? Stupid Bush lost the popular vote in the last two elections, but he still won both elections! What kind of silliness is that?! It’s that Electoral College. It really is. The Elites own it.

Don’t worry, Mom. The revolution is coming. Soon the masses are going to be fed up with all this silliness. Me and a few of my friends in class were talking, and like everyone is like going to storm Washington and take back the power from those Elites in power. Some of those silly Bush-babies don’t think that will happen, but what do they know? They’re so close-minded, it makes me smile LOL. Anyways, the revolution is coming. It really is. Don’t worry Mom, good teachers like Dr. Kycedo are preparing us to deal with the groups and institutions that are sub-joo-gayting the masses.

Workers of the world, Unite!

Lots and lots of love,

-A.J.