So here in the Twilight Zone we have a situation. An inquisitive dentist wants to know what you’re reading. Well, we could tell him it’s just some book a friend of a friend gave you and you’re checking it out. That would be a lie, but given the circumstance you’re in danger of giving Lenny a heart attack, and we all know the sixth commandment: “Thou shalt not murder.” The truth hurts. Lenny has kids. As soon as he gathers the implication of Preterism (that most or all of prophecy is past in fulfillment), he’ll link it to the darkest idea one can fathom: Jesus ain’t a-comin’ back for nobody. You might as well tell the guy that you’re a Nazi, you kicked the Pope in the butt at Mass last week, or you like country music. It’s unthinkable!

You can already see the paling face, the trembling hands, the small amounts of spittle forming on the dentist’s purple lips as he tries to summon the greatest curse to hurl upon you.

To tell or not to tell?

The second scenario is a lot like the first. You’re at home sitting in bed, reaching down under the mattress to sneak a peak at a few David Curtis articles you’ve got stashed like Playboys. Your wife and partner of thirteen years, which you have yet to mention your demonic interest to, catches you in the act. The same thing happens when you forget to delete all the dirty history on the computer that shows you were surfing PreteristArvhice or PlanetPreterist and your loving better half suspects the worst.

What to do, what to do?

Since my Preterist beliefs were first exposed in a classroom setting (which makes these two scenarios look like the Comfort Inn), and have since been asked several times “what I’m reading” or “what’s that PlanetPreterist bookmark?”, I have a few things I’d like to share.

#1. You’re a Preterist. You believe Jesus isn’t coming back again. There’s just no nice way to say it, so you might as well say it.

Believe me when I say that unless the person you’re talking to falls over dead––which can happen––they are probably going to stick around to at least chew you out. Use what little time available in between rants to hook their interest. Wow them with the Matthew verses; stun them with your unique understanding of Revelation; shatter the rapture with Greek translations. Do something to keep them there. It isn’t that hard, trust me.

#2. Don’t leave them hanging.

If you were a mobster with orders passed down from the boss in Cosa Nostra to whack a guy, and you go in and shoot him in the leg, causing unbelievable amounts of pain but failing to complete your assignment, there’s Hell to pay.

Perhaps the worst thing a Preterist can do to a crippled Futurist is look at his watch and go: “Well, it’s getting late. I’ve got to catch a flight back to California. Nice talking with you.”

In case it isn’t obvious, you might leave the poor guy a little confused, and maybe even a little depressed. I’d go so far as to say that the bar across the street starts looking mighty friendly after you mentally battered an innocent churchgoer. Before long the bar is a second home and Johnny Applewind––the guy with half a theology––is downing Jack Daniels like lemonade in early August.

What’s the point? Offer material. Books, web sites, articles, faxes, e-mail exchanges, postcards with timing statements, tracts, conference tickets, anything!

#3. If Johnny Applewind speaks up and says, “Hey, I’m on the same flight back to California with you!” and you fail to turn around and offer to study with him, you’ve failed.

Obviously your offers will often go unwanted. They’ll shrug you off with a smile and say life’s pretty busy right now, but this summer they should have some time. Right. And I would love to study with you, too, but Peter Pan just came to fly me off to Neverland where we’ll sing campfire songs and watch Michael Jackson trial footage.

Once in awhile you’ll catch what David Curtis would say is a person in the five percent group. They want to study. They’re intrigued, they’re fascinated. Let’s do it! YEAAAH! In which case I think it is our responsibility as people who have some idea of the truth to do all we can to help the upcoming Preterist (even if they don’t know it yet and are only doing this to prove you wrong).

#4. Try not to make it a battle.

This one I can say I know from experience. You feel like a Spartan child in ancient Greece training day in and day out. Your exercise is simple enough: knock the tree over. So you and your band of fellow students line up, shield to back, and at your drill instructor’s command you push. And push. And push...

It isn’t long into the exercise that the truth hits you: you aren’t supposed to push over the tree. It’s supposed to drain you of energy and leave you crying like a sissy in the dirt.

What’s the moral of this example? The longer you push against the tree, the more tired you become.

I have privately debated Futurists for lengths of time spanning from a few seconds to a few years (and I don't even do this all that often). We’ve exchanged e-mails, written letters, talked over the phone and in person. I’ve tried to answer teachers backed by a room full of students and small groups of people out for blood.

The lesson I took away was that if all Preterism is is a fight, then the truth is not spreading, and you’re just banging your head against a wall. Want to know how to tell a potential Preterist from a wolf in sheep’s clothing? They’ll ask questions that they have no answers to, but expect you to be able to answer them.

No doubt you’ve all heard that you have to approach this issue with a “Could this be true?” mentality. This is certainly the case.

But if the worse does happen and a night’s studying session turns sour, smile, keep your finger on the Scripture, and try to remember that it’s not your job to convince anyone. All you can do is repeat what’s been said, and hope your friend will listen.

I hope this little article has been helpful. I’ve gone against all this advice at some point, but it never helped. I apologize in advance for any mistakes in here. This is my first column so I’m working with all the technicalities.

Let’s hunt some Futurist!