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Heaven has a north and a south and an east and a west. Consequently, it must be a planet.
-- Kenneth Copeland, "Spirit, Soul, and a Body 1
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Exclusive: Selections from the Apostle Paul (Crouch)’s letter to the Corinthians
Posted on Friday, February 27 @ 21:20:58 PST by Jeff Carter |
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by Jeff Carter
In September of 2003 a momentous discovery was made by two vagrants in southern California. This discovery has rocked the Christian community from coast to coast and around the world, and has shed new light on the writings of the Apostle Paul (Crouch).
The two men were arrested by California State Troopers for vagrancy and public intoxication and held in custody overnight. While in their cell the two men discovered several sheets of parchment wedged between a cot and the concrete wall. The men soon realized that neither of them could read what had been written on these papers. They assumed that it was written in an ancient language, possibly Greek. (In fact, neither of the two men was literate. The texts are composed in English. ed.)
It's at this point that the story of the newly discovered texts is somewhat muddled. One version of the story claims that the two men hitch-hiked their way to Oklahoma and delivered the sheets of parchment to Oral Roberts. Another version of the story seems to indicate that the men lost the papers while drunk in Las Vegas.
It was not long however before the writings came to the attention of the scholarly community - who were shocked to realize that what the two unnamed vagrants had discovered in that jail cell was actually the earliest copy of the apostle Paul (Crouch)'s letter to the church in Corinth. The newly discovered texts predate all other known copies by nearly two thousand years.
Scholars are at a loss to explain how the texts made their way to a jail cell in southern California or how they came to be translated into 20th century English. Despite debte about the authenticity of the documents, many Christians believe the letter to be genuine.
What follows is the first publication of Selections from the Apostle Paul(Crouch)’s letter to the Corinthians -TBN translation.
1: 1 –9 ‘Paul Crouch, called by the will of God and proven in the Bible Codes to be the founder of the TBN Network to the television stations of Corinth – to those who will watch our broadcasts and who are willing to contribute to our ministry – we have a special offer for you this month if you will send a gift of fifty dollars…’
1: 17 – 22 ‘After all, Christ sent me not to baptize, but to spread the gospel by the miracle of satellite television. The message of TBN is foolish for those who are heresy hunters, but for us it is the road to prosperity. As scripture says: Heretic Hunters are going straight to Hell. Where are the debaters of this age? I am a little god walking around the earth. Critics, be gone! While they are looking for doctrine we are demonstrating miracle after miracle, each greater than the last.’
3: 5 – 7 ‘For what is Benny, and what is Paul Crouch? The servants through whom you came to believe in TBN, and each of us has all the luxury the Lord has given him. I did the planting of the network, Benny the healing crusades – but God gave us our faith partners, as each of you gave your monthly gift. In this, neither the network or the crusades count for anything; only those who contribute to our ministries.’
3:11 – 13 ‘For nobody can lay down any other foundation than the one which is already here, namely the contributions of our faith partners. On this foundation we have built in gold and silver, jewels and hand-carved mahogany, but each persons work will be shown for what it is. The Day which dawns in fire will make it clear and the fire will test the quantity of your donations.’
4: 1- 4 ‘People should think of us as Christ’s bankers, entrusted with the monies of God. It is of no importance to me how you or any other human court may judge me – save that the IRS doesn’t rescind our 501c3 status. I will not even judge myself. My conscience doesn’t bother me. Critics, be gone!’
4: 4 – 17 ‘I am writing all of this not to make you ashamed, but simply to remind you, as my dear partners for even though you might have ten thousand dollars you need to sow a larger seed of faith. That is why I urge you to pick up the phone right now and make your pledge to keep our worldwide ministry on the air.’
9: 1 – 18 ‘Am I not free? Am I not the founder of the largest Christian broadcast network? Have I not had my own personal visions from God? Are you not my partners in ministry in the TBN network? Even if to others I am not prophet of God, to you at any rate, I am; for you are the source of all my income. To those who want to interrogate me, this is my answer: Critics, be gone! Have we not the right to live in luxury and prosperity as God promised we would? And every right to be accompanied by Christian wife with layers of make-up and mascara? What soldier would ever serve in the army at his own expense? And who is there who would plant a vineyard and never eat the fruit from it; or would keep a flock and not feed on the milk from his flock? Don’t think this is merely secular wisdom. Does not the Old Testament say somewhere ‘You must not muzzle an ass while it is treading the corn’? Is it about asses that God is concerned here or is it not said entirely for our sake? Clearly it was written about us. Send your contributions now. And it’s only right that I should avail myself to this prosperity. No one shall take from me the ground for boasting. In fact, spreading the TBN network gives me the right to boast about what God has done for me. In my preaching I can’t afford to offer the gospel free of charge. That’s why I need your faith pledge, friends. Send your gift today – so that I can continue to boast about the network.’
14: 26 – 33 ‘Then what should a Praise The Lord broadcast be like, brothers? When you come together each of you should bring a psalm, or an emotional, tearful testimony, or a southern gospel musical number. But make sure everyone brings in their love gift donations. Let all these things (especially those donations) be done in a way that will build up the network. If there are to be any people speaking in a tongue make sure he or she has the microphone and the spotlight. Also make sure the audience is shouting as loudly as they can. Have them jump up and wave their hands and fall down, slain in the spirit; we want as much commotion as we can get on the screen, let me hear you make some Holy Ghost crazy noise.’
16: 1 – 2 ‘Now about the collection for God’s holy network, TBN, you should right now make the largest pledge of faith you can. One hundred dollars or one thousand dollars. On the first day of the month you should send in your check, and do not delay.’
16: 21 –22 ‘ This greeting is in my own handwriting – Paul Crouch. If there is anyone who does not love and support TBN, may a curse be on his head. He is going straight to Hell. Maran antha – the Lord is coming (hopefully during a live broadcast so that we can catch the rapture on video for all those who will be left behind without the benefit of regular TBN broadcasts.
Post Script - A special gift will be sent to you when you send your largest love gift this month.
P.C.
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Jeff Carter is a columnist for PlanetPreterist.com. Jeff is an officer in the Salvation Army, working as an Administrator of the Social Services and Pastor of the Church.
View Jeff Carter archives
Note: Opinions presented on PlanetPreterist.com or by PlanetPreterist.com columnists may not necessarily reflect the position of PlanetPreterist.com, or reflect the beliefs, doctrine or theological position of all other preterists. We encourage all readers to first and foremost carefully analyze all articles in the light of God's Word.
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Average Score: 3
Votes: 3
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Re: Selections from the Apostle Paul (Crouch)’s letter to the Corinthians (TBN trans (Score: 1)
 by Virgil on Saturday, February 28 @ 04:43:00 PST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Bwahaha....this is really good :) |
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Re: Selections from the Apostle Paul (Crouch)?s letter to the Corinthians (TBN trans (Score: 1)
 by Apollos on Saturday, February 28 @ 06:18:40 PST
(User Info | Send a Message) | Paul's latent male chauvinist tendencies are showing. He forgot to mention his sweet wife Jan!
Surely she rates an honorable mention.
Thanks for today's chuckle.
Jim |
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- by jcarter on Saturday, February 28 @ 11:00:03 PST
- by Apollos on Sunday, February 29 @ 05:34:15 PST
- by JL on Monday, March 01 @ 11:23:51 PST
Re: Selections from the Apostle Paul (Crouch)’s letter to the Corinthians (TBN trans (Score: 1)
by CelticCircle1961 on Saturday, February 28 @ 13:32:00 PST
(User Info | Send a Message) | You know what is really sad? I could almost believe that Paul Crouch would actually write something like that!
CelticCircle1961 |
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- by Oz on Thursday, March 11 @ 16:14:54 PST
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